


The Last Time

by My_Trex_has_fleas



Series: Land and Sea [6]
Category: Poldark - All Media Types, Return to Treasure Island (TV)
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, Explicit Language, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-10
Updated: 2015-09-10
Packaged: 2018-04-20 02:13:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,622
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4769723
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/My_Trex_has_fleas/pseuds/My_Trex_has_fleas
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is a fill for the Summer Fandom Raffle Exchange Prompt No. 83 This is the last time we are doing this.</p><p>A missing chapter from The Seafarer and the Soldier.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Last Time

**Author's Note:**

  * For [CalamityKitten (KirstRavensoul)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/KirstRavensoul/gifts).



‘I wonder if we could talk about something a little trickier today?’ Demelza tapped her pen against her teeth and Ross frowned.

‘Like what?’ he asked. He was still getting use to the way she managed to draw things out of him that he never intended to talk about, but that was her way. Demelza was very good at her job, making him feel secure enough to start talking and just keep going, something he never did.

‘Jim.’ Demelza said and her bright eyes watched him closely. Ross felt a twinge.

‘What about him?’ he asked and she smiled.

‘He’s been here with you for a month now. I thought you might want to revisit that month and tell me how you feel about it.’ she said. ‘How you think he’s helped? Or not helped.’

‘Things are fine.’ Ross said. ‘They are back to the way they were before.’ He was feeling a bit uncomfortable and he shifted in his chair.

‘Really?’ Demelza asked, noting something down. ‘That’s good. Not many couples could go through what you two have been through and not have any effect on their relationship.’ She gave him a reassuring smile but Ross felt anything but reassured.

‘Well, it’s not like it hasn’t been affected.’ he said. ‘But I think we’ve put it back on the track so to speak.’

‘You said before that one of things that bothers you about being injured is that you don’t want to rely on people.’ Demelza said. ‘How did you reconcile this with your relationship with Jim?’ Ross frowned.

‘He’s there when I need him.’ he said, not quite getting what she meant. ‘He’s the one person I know I can count on absolutely.’

‘And what about him?’ she asked and raised a copper eyebrow at him. Ross was taken aback.

‘What about him?’ he asked and Demelza shrugged.

‘Just that you always talk about how much he does for you. But how much do you do for him?’ she asked. ‘What does he get from you in return? Have you examined his motivation for his actions?’

‘He does it because he loves me I suppose.’ Ross replied, fidgeting. ‘It’s one of the ways he shows me that he loves me.’

‘And how do you show him?’ Demelza asked and Ross felt that strange little twinge again. ‘Because relationships are a two way street, Ross. He came back from the Philippines to come and look after you. That’s a pretty big commitment and knowing how you don’t like to be indebted I was wondering how that works with you and him.’

‘I appreciate it.’ he said, but there was a little hesitation in his voice and Demelza nodded. Then her shrewd blue eyes focused in on him. Ross knew she had seen through him.

‘But you didn’t at first.’ she said and Ross narrowed his eyes at her.

‘No.’ he replied. ‘I didn’t. I was an absolute bastard to him for two weeks.’

‘And yet he’s still here.’ she said. ‘He stays. How do you feel about that?’ Ross battled with the feelings inside him for a moment, trying to hold it in.

‘Sometimes it pisses me off.’ he said and he was surprised at the bitterness in his voice. ‘I didn’t want him to be tied to me. Not like this.’

‘Has he said that to you?’ Demelza asked, ‘Or are you assuming that’s how he feels?’ Ross huffed and threw his head back against the chair.

‘I don’t know.’ he said and was amazed to find that it was true. ‘I don’t know how he feels. He said he came back because he loves me but after…’ He stopped abruptly and Demelza leaned over, her hand on his arm.

‘After what?’ she asked. ‘I can’t help unless you tell me.’ Ross closed his eyes and tried not to remember that last night and everything that came after, every ignored email, every overture rebuffed because he was too scared to tell Jim that he couldn’t live without him.

‘I ran away from him.’ he whispered and the words cut through him, more painful than any bullet. ‘I ran away because he loved me too much and I didn’t know what to do with that.’ He opened his eyes and saw that Demleza was sitting looking at him, the sympathy clear on her face. ‘I don’t deserve him. I ran away and then I spent the next three months refusing to even contact him and all because I was scared.’

‘That’s not something that makes you a bad person you know.’ Demelza’s voice was gentle. ‘Fear of what we don’t know or don’t understand is a powerful thing. If he made you feel afraid...’

‘No.’ Ross interrupted her. ‘Not him. Me. I was afraid of him, not because of what he wanted or what he is but because I couldn’t switch it off.’ He looked at his hands. ‘I couldn’t stop loving him even when it was the only thing I wanted to do. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to stop and that scares the ever living fuck out of me.’ He heaved a sigh and put his head in his hands. ‘Christ, I’ve been so fucking awful to him.’

‘But he’s still here.’ Demelza said. Ross huffed a humourless laugh.

‘Yes, he is.’ he said. ‘And there isn’t a minute when I’m not grateful.’

‘Have you told him any of this?’ Ross looked up at her.

‘No.’ he said. ‘We haven’t really discussed any of this.’ Now it was Demelza’s turn to sigh.

‘Maybe you should.’ she said.

**********

Ross went downstairs from Demelza’s office. He was thinking about everything she’d said to him in the last hour and he felt a crushing despair setting in. It was the first time he’d left her feeling anything but positive and he knew why.

He went through the building and down the corridor to where the door opened into the parking lot and went out into the sunshine. And stopped dead.

For in the moment his eyes took to adjust, that’s when he saw Jim, leaning against the Land Rover as usual, face in the sun and smiling. He hadn’t seen Ross yet, and Ross just stood and looked at the man who had travelled almost seven thousand miles to be with him. Looked at the open face with the emotions that flickered and changed like candlelight, everything written there for Ross to read.

How many times in the last month had he seen the hurt in those blue-green eyes and just ignored it, too caught up in his own pain to care that his words and actions had taken that beautiful smile and chased it away.

In that moment Ross hated himself more than he ever thought he could.

Then Jim turned as if he’d sensed something and he saw Ross and the smile burst into life, dimples sparking and his eyes lighting up. Ross stamped down the sick feeling in his stomach and went to him.

**********

He was quiet the whole way back to Bovington and for much of the evening. Jim made them dinner and he ate in silence, not because he didn’t want to talk but because he didn’t know what to say. Once they were done he cleaned up and started doing the dishes. Jim disappeared. Once he was done, he went into the living room and found it empty. Ross frowned and went upstairs. Jim wasn’t there either. He found him in the back garden, sitting and smoking and looking up at the sky.

‘Hey.’ he said, leaning in the doorway. ‘I thought we were quitting?’

‘We are.’ Jim said. He inhaled deeply, ember lighting up his face briefly, and Ross watched as he exhaled, the smoke drifting around his face. ‘This is the last time I’m doing this.’ There was something in his voice that made Ross’ ears prick up. He hesitated, not sure about what he should do. Then he realised that Jim was looking at him, and his face was grave. Ross was blown away by how beautiful he was in that moment.

‘Jim…’ he started and then trailed off, not sure of what to say or what to do.

‘Ross.’ Jim replied, and his voice was flat. Ross shifted on his feet.

‘You’re cross with me.’ he said. Jim sighed, crushed out the cigarette and immediately lit another.

‘I’m not angry with you, Ross.’ he said. ‘I’m trying to not push you about what happened today.’ He looked up at Ross again. ‘You haven’t said a thing to me since you got in the car.’ Ross frowned as the penny dropped.

‘Shit, I’m sorry. he said. ‘I didn’t mean not to speak to you it was just that…’ He lost the words he wanted to say. There was definite tension in the air between them now and Ross wanted nothing more than to go back inside and hide from what was being left unspoken between them. But then Demelza’s words came back to him and he sighed and pushed up from the doorway. He walked over to Jim and sat down in the ground next to him. Jim watched him and then handed the cigarette across. Ross took it and inhaled.

‘Last time, right?’ he said and Jim gave him a half smile. ‘We were talking about you today. That’s why I haven’t said anything.’

‘What about me?’ Jim took the cigarette back and their fingers brushed, and Ross could feel the spark that passed between them.

‘That you’re here.’ he said. ‘That you’re always here.’

‘I wasn’t when you got back.’ Jim said and Ross could have sworn there was the tiniest bit of accusation in it.

‘I know.’ he replied. ‘And if you were anyone else I think you would have told me to go fuck myself a long time ago. I would have.’ He looked at Jim, and saw that his eyes were inky blue in the moonlight. ‘I am sorry.’

‘For what?’ Jim asked, and his voice had steel under the softness.

‘For everything.’ Ross said. Jim shook his head.

‘No.’ he said. ‘That’s not good enough. Not tonight. You need to say it.’ He passed the cigarette back and looked steadily at Ross. ‘I want to know exactly what you are sorry for.’ Ross stared back at him, but Jim’s eyes were like deep water. 

‘What do you want me to say?’ he half whispered. ‘That I’m a bastard for running out on you? That I’m a coward for leaving things the way they were and not giving you anything to work with? That I am so fucking weak that I couldn’t bear the thought of you seeing me like I was?’ He looked down at the ground, unable to meet that forthright stare. ‘I’m all of those things and more.’

‘But are you sorry?’ Jim’s was was still carefully neutral. Ross dropped his head.

‘More than you will ever fucking know.’ he replied. ‘I love you. And I hurt you and I kept on hurting you because I thought it was the only way I could protect myself from you.’ 

‘You never needed to protect yourself from me.’ This time Jim shook two cigarettes from the packet and lit them both, then handed one to Ross. ‘All I wanted was to love you.’ Ross closed his eyes, the hurt those words caused like a dull pain in his chest.

‘That was the problem.’ he said, his voice low. ‘You love too much. You love me too much.’

‘But that’s my problem to deal with.’ Jim said. ‘I make my own decisions. That’s why I was so angry with you when you stopped talking to me. You didn’t even give me that choice.’

‘That’s because it wasn’t just that you love me too much.’ Ross said. ‘It because you made me love you too much too.’ He left it hanging in the air between them and heard Jim’s sharp inhale. ‘I went from being someone who didn’t need anyone to not being able to face a single day without you in it in some way in six months.’

‘And me?’ Ross was startled to hear a glimmer of anger in Jim’s voice. ‘I got cheated on by the man I’d been with for three years. I got dumped two days before I got back to England and had to drive to fucking Andover and clear out my life in four hours. And then to top it all I walk into a fucking bar and run smack into someone who I’m pretty fucking sure is my fucking soul mate and he’s gorgeous and funny and amazing and all my fucking bells are ringing and I end up falling for him in under a fucking month? You don’t think that’s scary?’ He shook his head. ‘You’re not the only one that’s been dealing with this. It took a lot of faith for me to write my phone number down that morning. I could have just fucking left.’

‘Why didn’t you?’ Ross asked, and Jim huffed.

‘Because I think I fell in love with you somewhere between Run DMC and waking up with you.’ he said. ‘And if you’re a coward for not wanting to stay then I’m also a coward for not wanting to let you go.’ He looked at Ross. ‘I love you more than I have ever loved anyone and it’s just as terrifying for me. And when you just shut me down like you did, I was scared because I knew that I would never find what we have ever again and nothing else in my life would ever measure up and it would all just be a waste of time.’ He sighed and inhaled on his cigarette. Ross stared at him, aghast. 

‘Why didn’t you ever say anything?’ he asked. ‘If I had known that…’

‘What?’ Jim said harshly. ‘You’d have stayed instead of fucking off while I was asleep? You’d have talked to me instead of leaving me to fucking die every time I saw that you hadn’t replied to my emails?’ He shook his head. ‘No, it would have given you an easy way out. And I didn’t want to give you any way out.’ His eyes were bright now and Ross was horrified by how close to tears he looked. ‘I wanted to hang on to you any way I could and if I didn’t tell you what was going on and just hung in there, there was always a chance that you would stay and not leave me like everyone else has.’ He looked away and Ross reached out on instinct, his hand going to Jim’s shoulder. 

‘Christ.’ he said, hardly able to hold back his own tears. ‘I am so fucking sorry.’ Jim nodded once. 

‘I know.’ he said. ‘So am I.’ He looked back at Ross. ‘We make a right fucking pair sometimes.’ Ross leaned over, kissing him once, and then leaning his forehead against Jim’s, the single point of contact grounding him. 

‘I love you.’ he said. ‘I never once stopped. Even when I was being a wanker.’ There was a twitch at the corner of Jim’s mouth. Then his face became serious and their eyes locked.

‘I love you too.’ he said. ‘But Ross, this is the last time we are doing this. If you ever fuck me over like that again, we’re done. You only get to break my heart once.’ 

‘I understand.’ Ross replied. ‘And I won’t. I promise.’ Jim regarded him and then sighed heavily. 

They sat out the rest of the night looking at the stars above them, Jim sometimes pointing things out, until the sun started to colour the sky gold.


End file.
